Apocalypse Part 2

After a few days of watching the polls here, checking in frequently for comments and concerns, I'm back with some more thoughts to ponder on the Epic War of the Future. But first, let me say that the polls came back men 10, women 7. Out of 32 followers, 16 of them are women. Not that everyone voted, but I'm just trying to prove I don't run a macho-centric blog. Polls being considered, though not held as scripture, let's move on to a few more points in the war. This time I'll cover strategies of each side and possible counter maneuvers.

Those of you who are new to this post series should go back and read Apocalypse Part 1, and those of you who aren't caught up and are hyper-sensitive should go back and read the disclaimer as well.

Women's Strategy

A commonly accepted fact is that men love to look at women, especially underclothed ones. So in the most politically correct words as possible, the women could "display" certain "characteristics" to "disable" the men, making their fighting less than perfection and opening a line in their advances for the women to sail through.

Men's Counter
This is a war between all men and all women. This means that less heterosexual men will be placed in sniper positions and tasked with eliminating the threats to morale presented by the females. Their resilience to feminine distractions makes them ideal for this role, and effectively eliminates that course of action for the women.

Men's Strategy

Taking advantage of the women's tendency toward infighting (described earlier) men have a plan to use on the front lines of battle. Using a megaphone, the men will single out a certain battalion of women and tell them that all of the other batallions look better than they do today. Rather than assault the men, the plan is that at least some of the more insecure women will turn on the other sections of their own army and create a less than ideal fighting environment.

Women's Counter

Knowing the men's coniving ways and anticipating this plan, the women will counterstrike with an equally loud megaphone and ask the men "Do these fatigues make us look fat?" Stunned, the men will have no choice but to offend each and every one of the women, negating the effect of their previous propaganda.

Women's Strategy

A basic military strategy that holds a promising record in the history of war is the classic bombing raid. Simple, dignified, and utterly destructive, women's natural ability to go to the bathroom in perfect synchronization also makes them adept at coordinated flight patternes. The men won't see such a militant attack coming from them, and will be taken completely by surprise.

Men's Counter

2 words. Amelia Earhart. Enough Said.

Men's Strategy

Motivation is such a key component of war that military tacticians have been working on developing new technologies for years. But one of the most tried and true weapons of willpower is a good song. Since the dawn of war, men have been beating drums to move the hearts of their warriors. Thousands of men with guns is a mighty force indeed, but thousands of men with guns listening to "We're Not Gonna Take It" will mow down any opposition, guaranteed.

Women's Counter
They know how to do it. They practice constantly. And all it takes is a quick radio signal interception to release their own personal brand of audio anhilation. Once the women have the hard rock station the men are jamming to, all they need to do is change the channel every 2 seconds to not only kill the fighting songs, but annoy the living soul out of every man out there.

Apocalypse Part 1

Time: The future.

Place: All over the globe

Occasion: The final battle has broken out. No longer can the tension and brutality be kept locked away inside. The war between men and women has unleashed its fury upon the world. Each side is armed with the traits and abilities that they have developed over the last several thousand years. With each army starting on opposite sides of the globe and battling their way toward and through each other, the epic battle can only end when the other side is eliminated. Who will win? We shall see.

Over the next few posts, I will explore the various factors that will ultimately decide the war. All the while you can look to the left of the blog for polls where YOU can voice your opinion on the topics. So please, sit back, take it all in, and then weigh in at the end of every post. I'll put the next one up once I get a consensus on people opinions as to the first and so on and so forth.

DISCLAIMER: Some of the things in this blog series will be biased, stereotypical, and offensive. I apologise, but in order to explore this topic, gross generalizations must be made. Also, I will do my best to avoid thinking to chauvinistically, despite my gender. If you really feel the need to call me on something, by all means, comment or make yourself heard in the poll.

Topic 1: Organization.

A crucial part of any war effort is the organization of the leaders of each army. Men and women each have their own particular sets of skills, but I think in terms of leadership, the men will come out on top. I will admit, women are smarter than men. They can multi-task better, reason faster, and think of more creative strategies. But in terms of sheer leadership, I think men have the advantage. Women, in the heat of battle, will do anything to win, which is great, but the problem is that every woman will do anything to win, even if their individual strategies conflict. Men will choose a leader, say someone like Ol' G. Washington, and then do whatever he tells them to do. So while not as many ideas are shared, men don't encounter the problem of infighting and turmoil within the ranks. I've seen an all girl class office at school try to run itself. The tensions run high when any of them, and I mean any of them, comes up with an idea. Men might not think as much, but at least we won't be clawing each other's eyes out.

Topic 2: Sustainability.

This war that we're looking at is not a conflict that can be resolved over a couple of months. This will be a long, drawn out conflict, flaring up at times, and at others dying down to a dull roar. This is where a key component of the battle comes into play. Women currently outnumber men 2:1, and not only that, but there is nothing men can build, think, or do to avoid the fact that if women can get their hands on a couple of strands of DNA, they are the only side out of the two that can sustain itself. In the long conflict, there will be time to raise children, children that can join the fight. Granted, if a male child is spawned he might need to be kept a secret or even destroyed. But that's beside the point, the fact of the matter is that either side can make in-vitro armies, but only men have made their "half of the bargain" readily available, in certain banking establishments. This one has to go to the women.

Topic 3: Determination.

Another point might have to go to the women here. Both sides, when faced with these life or death circumstances will certainly fight hard, but women are, in general, much more determined than men. Especially, if any man ever brings up even the thought of a possibility of a vague suggestion to do any harm to their children. Game over dude. Normal women turn into the incredible she hulk in 2.5 seconds and will stop at nothing to seek and destroy their target, with their bare hands if necessary. Not that men aren't determined, but a wall of rampaging, hormonal wildebeasts can trump a force twice its size on the field of battle.

That ought to be enough to get the gears in your head rolling. Remember, this particular blog is a community effort, comment to let me know any thoughts you have, and answer the poll to publicly display your opinion. Keep talking to me, and check back soon when I take your ideas and more of my own and bring you Part 2.

The Problem with Axe

Its early morning for me, around noon, on a President's Day morning. As I prepare myself for the day, going through my normal routine, I stop for a second as I fumigate my bathroom with the familiar scent of Axe body spray. For the most part, I use the stuff out of habit at this point, without giving much thought as to how effective the self-proclaimed "chick magnet" is. Today is a different story however, as I devote an entire tooth brushing session to contemplating the new millenium odor-craze that is Axe body spray.

First of all, I would like to propose the theory that all fragrances for Axe are developed by gay men. My reasoning behind this is that in all my years of musical theater, no girl I have ever met has ever had any magnetic pull towards Axe. Contrarily, most are appalled by the scent, simply because of its reputation for drawing them in. On the other hand, most guys throw on Axe in the morning thinking "Man, do I smell awesome!" So is it just me, or does it seem that guys are more attracted to axe than girls are? Logically, this can only mean that the team developing all the different Axe varieties are all men, and by nature of smelling other men for a living, gay men. There's absolutely nothing at all wrong with this, I'm just saying that there's no way any women back there developing these scents that they all hate.

My next question to the axe company is where in the cosmos are they pulling these names from? I can understand "Essence" and maybe "Touch" but "Kilo?"A Kilo of what? Charisma? Axe? Illicit substances? Come on, that doesn't even "kind of" make sense. And even with the names that do sound logical, how do the names relate directly to each scent? It's not like "Touch" makes me more touchable, and "Kilo" doesn't make me any heavier. The way the names are it sounds like they're supposed to give you super-powers. I feel like "VooDoo" should come with its own zombie, and "Tsunami" should bestow on me some kind of Captain Planet type water blasts.

I'm probably going to continue to wear Axe even after these revelations. There's something in the scent that makes men think "No way this smells bad! All those women call me a pig but I've seen the commercials, I know what's up." So I'll keep on wearing it and hoping that someday they'll make a scent called "Laser Vision."

New World Order Alert!

The following is an urgent alert! If you value your life and the lives of those you know and love I highly suggest you pay attention to what you are about to read. If you don't care about yourself or anyone around you, then by all means, go back to eating those Thin Mints while our silent oppressor goes about establishing its iron grasp on this previously free society.

In case you didn't pick up on that subtle reference back there, allow me to explain a little more clearly the impending doom that is lurking right now in our country. In these past few weeks I have been witness to an event that I, like many of you, have seen plenty of times, but it was this particular occurrence that finally made me realize the true scope of the danger that we are in.

This seemingly commonplace happening is the annual Girl Scout cookie sell-a-thon. What had always seemed to me to be a harmless fundraiser suddenly occurred to me to be much more than that. Think about it for a moment; on one coordinated day throughout the country, hundreds of thousands of teenage girls are dispatched into our schools and places of business with the unshakable goal of making you spend as much money as possible on overly processed little treats known only as "cookies." Not only is it difficult for anyone with money to say no to any of these delightful little agents of terror, but so help you God if you try to say no to any one of them. The fear of being on every girl in the school's bad side produces enough coercion to bend even the most stubborn of people to their every whim.

But the selling process is only the beginning. In a few weeks, crates and boxes full of mass produced destruction are wheeled into our country from lord knows what outsourced Indonesian nation and force fed down our throats by the pound. Allow me to digress for a second and say that I don't blame McDonald's for the American obesity epidemic, I blame the Girl Scouts of America. Those little snacks aren't exactly heart healthy, and I believe their most recent slogan is "betcha' can't eat just 100 boxes!"

Anyway, the point that I'm aiming to make here is that the Girl Scout cookie fan craze is just the start of their much more sinister goals. I believe I state the obvious when I remind you that Hitler's first step in conquering any country was to first introduce them to "Fascist Delights" and watch as the entire citizenry became fatter, slower, and much more susceptible to propaganda.

Let me clarify; I'm not saying that the Girl Scouts are inherently evil, or even that their move for world domination is in the near future, but if we don't keep a close watch on these cute little weapons of dictatorship, we may very well be looking down the barrel of the United States of Trefoils and Do-Si-Dos.

A Personal Note...

Conspiracies, mortal combat, logical fallacies, it's all in a days work for this hard-hitting blogger. But I think it's about time I talk about an issue a little more personal to me than anything I've touched on so far. Just by looking at the title of this page one can see that there is more to me than meets the eye. Well, technically there's about an inch less to me than meets the eye. This is a personal issue that I hold near and dear to my heart. This is the story of little foot...

(Note: The following may be a slight dramatization)

It was a cold day in November, when Douglas Joseph Alfred Dame was born. Despite apparent perfection, a creeping evil was afoot. Actually, a creeping evil was both of his feet. For poor Douglas was born with a destructive condition known as club foot. Much like Tommy Pickles, of "Rugrats" fame, Douglas' feet were not pointed out like a normal child's, but rather tilted inward at an angle that could someday cause problems. What careers could possibly be available for a club foot? Bell ringer? Hermit? Voice-over acting? How could a successful life be led while haunted by a forty-five degree ankle?

And so, in a brilliant act of selflessness, Douglas' parents decided to act quickly to solve this terrible affliction. After extensive medical consult, they decided that the first course of action would be two minuscule casts, one on each foot. The hope was that the evil dreams that plagued the feet would not be able to pass through the thick magical wrappings, much like the Native American dreamcatcher. After months of trying and trying, the wraps were removed to no avail, as the feet continued to point dastardly inward.

Thinking quickly, the physicians next contraption was what is known in some countries as a "leg brace." This enchanted piece of metal was attached to two magical boots which Douglas wore while he slept. The aim was that the beam would exert its powerful energies on the feet, bending them to its will and forcing them into the light.

Weeks went by and the braces proved no more effective than the casts. It was clear that drastic action had to be taken. The doctor's only remaining option was to enter the twisted world that was Douglas' ankles and use a combination of physical manipulation and fervent prayer to stretch the Achilles tendon and allow the feet to land in their rightful place set proudly forward. The procedure was carried out and the world sat in waiting, hoping that the boy might somehow be rid of his podiatric predicament.

As he emerged from surgery, the boy's parents patiently awaited the news. When the doctor finally came into the room, it was as if a great weight had finally been released. The surgery was a success! Douglas would be able to live like a normal boy for the rest of his life!

It seemed as if all was finally right with the world, but old habits die hard. Hiding deep within his left ankle, Douglas still faced that same lurking evil. At a routine check up, it was sadly discovered that the left foot had not fully rid itself of the devil that had once corrupted both feet. Luckily, this time the doctors knew just what to do. Charging valiantly into battle against the armies of the darkness, the surgeon once again slew the evil fortress of the left Achilles tendon, finally defeating the club foot once and for all.

As the dust settled, it was clear that the battle had been won, but for every victory, something must be sacrificed. The only casualty in the Battle of Douglas' Heel was the very thing it sought to liberate. For as long as he would live Douglas would remember that fateful fight, being permanently marked with the point of this whole tale... Little Foot.

Whew. That was pretty emotionally draining. I guess the moral of the story is that for the rest of my life, my left foot will be one inch too small. But what can you do right?

Well I can always tie the left shoe a little tighter I guess.

Epic Battles 101

Let me begin by saying that violence never solved anyone's problems. I believe in using your words, and only attacking another living being in self-defence. Bearing that in mind, while I continue to abstain from the use of force, there are certain people or things that I really want to see duking it out. I don't know what it is about these combinations but for some reason I have this fascination with trying to figure out who would win in some truly epic battles.

Round 1. John Wilkes Booth v. Lee Harvey Oswald.


I think in a marksmanship competition, it's pretty clear that Oswald can far out shoot Booth. The man uses magic bullets for god's sake. Plus, Oswald was a sniper, and Booth was more of a side arms kind of guy, so in terms of hitting the target (the other assassin) I feel like the match goes to Oswald. And even beyond marksmanship, preparation was a big part for the both of them, but I feel like Oswald still takes the cake. Booth is an actor, so maybe if he needs to go in disguise to get to Oswald he can win, but planning wise, how well did he really think things through? He had the killing part down to an art, but then what? I can't see Oswald, no matter how crazy he is, leaping off a second story balcony, breaking his leg in the process, yelling some b.s. in Latin and then darting through a heavily guarded hallway. Not gonna happen.
Winner: Lee Harvey Oswald.

Round 2. Mini-Me v. Froddo Baggins.


I can see this fight playing out pretty straight forward in my head. Mini-Me starts out on top, completely taking ol' Froddo by surprise with his incredible knowledge of martial arts. Using a nearby bottle, Mini-Me becomes a force to be reckoned with as he charges violently against Baggins and his dagger. After a short knife fight, Mini-Me steps back, tired from being on the offensive for far to long trying to end the battle quickly. That's where the tide turns my friends. Froddo pulls out The One Ring and just invisibly beasts Mini-Me's karate kicking behind. Mini-Me falls to the ground stunned, reaching out in vain for his see-through adversary. Victory goes to the Bagginator.
Winner: Froddo Baggins
*Addendum* If Mini-Me can stay alive for long enough, I think its a fair call that the Ring Wraiths will show up and just behead the little hobbit faster than you can say "Yeah Baby, Yeah." In this case...
Winner: Mini-Me.

Round 3. Chewbacca v. A giant pterodactyl.


This is a tricky one. Giant pterodactyls are notorious for their ability to re-grow any flesh that gets shot off by a Wookie Bowcaster. I foresee Chewbacca having a pretty hard time shooting the thing out of the sky, given that particular regeneration factor. But on that same token, the giant pterodactyl is unable to attack Chewbacca from a distance simply by its very nature of being a primitive being. It's all going to come down to one deciding moment. The dino is going to need to get close enough to attack Chewie eventually, and that will be the chance for both of them to strike. Chewbacca will make an attempt to jump on the the giant pterodactyl's back and actually de-wing it midflight. A tricky feat indeed, as all the while the monster will be trying to reach it's neck far enough around to catch Chewbacca in it's massive jaws. This is where the battle is won. A fight of this kind can only happen when the two meet, and giant pterodactyls only hunt at night. Keep in mind also that Chewbacca only goes out that late during the full moon on Kashyyyk, to visit a monthly family reunion. So luckily for Chewbacca, the full moon will draw hoards of moths, confused by the lunar cycle, who will effectively distract the preoccupied giant pterodactyl giving everyone's favorite Wookie the upper hand, and the victory.
Winner: Chewbacca.

Japanese on Acid?

As a disclaimer, let me first say that I have absolutely nothing against the Japanese people that invented Mario. Quite the contrary, I love Mario, as my Power-Up tattoo should prove. That being said...

How much acid were they taking when they created the original Mario game? I'm not talking Super Mario, or even the one with the pipes and the crabs and the turtles and whatnot. I'm talking about the first time we ever saw Mario, the old arcade game with Donkey Kong up on the rafters of that building. I mean nothing in any video game needs to be realistic, and maybe I have a hard time looking at a fictional piece of game design creatively and not literally, but seriously. Take a second to analyze that game.

1) You are a plumber. Plumbers on the job tend to get pretty dirty, but somehow your shirt is impeccably clean. So either Mario goes to the dry cleaners after every single job or the game designers have a very skewed vision about the cleanliness of plumbery.

2) You are chasing after a princess. Look, I totally agree that love can conquer all and that everyone has a soul mate. But something in me highly doubts the possibility of the princess of an entire kingdom falling madly, head over heels in love with a small, Italian plumber that can barely say his own name clearly. Maybe in some kind of tripped out plumber dream, but never in the real world.

3) The princess has been kidnapped by a giant monkey and it's your job to save her. I'm willing to ignore that there's a such thing as a giant monkey. That aside, what the hell kind of king gets the news that his daughter has been kidnapped and immediately thinks, "Oh, I know, I'll call the local plumber! Maybe in his spare time he can fix the leak in the upstairs bathroom!"I have too much faith in the parliamental system to see that being a logical train of thought for someone in charge of an entire kingdom.

4) The giant monkey has set his hideout as a building clearly in the middle of construction. Kidnapping a princess is not an easy task; it requires a certain degree of smarts. So I would argue that there is no way a relatively intelligent giant monkey would choose that pile of rafters as his hideout. Anything works better than that; an island offers security, underground you have privacy, and even a finished building seems safer than a haphazard stack of beams. Sorry Mr. Yamuchi, not buying it.

5) The monkeys best defense against your advances is to throw barrels you. And not even logical barrels. Dear Japan, rolling objects to not just stop tumbling to fall down a staircase, or even move backwards up a slope. That's just not how things work here in the states. And not only that, but what is an infinite stack of barrels doing at the top of that scaffolding? And why on earth do some of the barrels break to produce little walking flame men! I'm not asking for a lot here people, just a little bit of rational thought in my arcade games.

And last, but not least...
6) When you reach the giant killer ape, he gives up. Yup. That's it. No extra barrels to throw, no monkey punches, no temper tantrum. "Oh hey Mario, sorry about all that barrel stuff back there, just lost my mind for a second. Want the princess? Take her! Go to town! Why don't we do lunch sometime?" Sorry world but that is not how I like my giant monkeys to act. That ape is at least 10 times Mario's size! And he just throws in the towel like a giant, ape-like baby. What kind of message does that send to America's younger generation? Don't worry kids, if at first you don't succeed, just give up everything you've ever worked for. Nice.

North Dakota.

Ok. Odds are if the feds find this I'm a dead man walking, so listen up and listen close. This is a post about "North Dakota."

Everyone knows that Area 51 is in New Mexico. So when you go there, you might be driving through the desert minding your own business and come across "Roswell." So I have a question, if the government is so good at hiding all of this and silencing anyone who tries to reveal the crash landing, my first question to you is why is it such common knowledge that thats where it is?

Question 2. Ever met anyone from North Dakota? Didn't think so. Ever heard of any big name atheletes or super stars from North Dakota? Nope. Ever vacationed there, seen a "Made in ND" label or even flown over it? Point, set, match.

Fact of the matter is folks, "North Dakota" isn't a real place. That's where the aliens landed, in a plot of land that used to just be empty space. On November 2, 1889, Benjamin Harrison admitted this state to the Union. At the same time, he admitted South Dakota. This clever tactic worked well for decieving the public into believing a lie. By simultaniously covering up the crash landing and creating another state, Harrison effectively fooled us all. "Of course North Dakota is real, there's a South Dakota." There sure is. And it's a damn fine cover up.

Now I know what some of you might say. You know someone from North Dakota. Ya well think about that person for a second. Are they a little odd? Hmmmm. I wonder why? Could it be because they're a plant, sent by the feds to remind us of the "state's" existance? You decide.

Have you ever driven through North Dakota, or flown over it? If so, do you remember anything about that time? Any landmarks, any events in the car or the plane? Maybe you remeber the "Now Entering" sign, but that's it. Then an empty spot in your memory and *poof* you're in Montana.

Still not convinced? One final thought. Superdirectories.com. Lists of all kinds of information. http://www.superdirectories.com/?Branch_ID=691788 That there is what you get if you look up famous atheletes from North Dakota. I rest my case.