New World Order Alert!

The following is an urgent alert! If you value your life and the lives of those you know and love I highly suggest you pay attention to what you are about to read. If you don't care about yourself or anyone around you, then by all means, go back to eating those Thin Mints while our silent oppressor goes about establishing its iron grasp on this previously free society.

In case you didn't pick up on that subtle reference back there, allow me to explain a little more clearly the impending doom that is lurking right now in our country. In these past few weeks I have been witness to an event that I, like many of you, have seen plenty of times, but it was this particular occurrence that finally made me realize the true scope of the danger that we are in.

This seemingly commonplace happening is the annual Girl Scout cookie sell-a-thon. What had always seemed to me to be a harmless fundraiser suddenly occurred to me to be much more than that. Think about it for a moment; on one coordinated day throughout the country, hundreds of thousands of teenage girls are dispatched into our schools and places of business with the unshakable goal of making you spend as much money as possible on overly processed little treats known only as "cookies." Not only is it difficult for anyone with money to say no to any of these delightful little agents of terror, but so help you God if you try to say no to any one of them. The fear of being on every girl in the school's bad side produces enough coercion to bend even the most stubborn of people to their every whim.

But the selling process is only the beginning. In a few weeks, crates and boxes full of mass produced destruction are wheeled into our country from lord knows what outsourced Indonesian nation and force fed down our throats by the pound. Allow me to digress for a second and say that I don't blame McDonald's for the American obesity epidemic, I blame the Girl Scouts of America. Those little snacks aren't exactly heart healthy, and I believe their most recent slogan is "betcha' can't eat just 100 boxes!"

Anyway, the point that I'm aiming to make here is that the Girl Scout cookie fan craze is just the start of their much more sinister goals. I believe I state the obvious when I remind you that Hitler's first step in conquering any country was to first introduce them to "Fascist Delights" and watch as the entire citizenry became fatter, slower, and much more susceptible to propaganda.

Let me clarify; I'm not saying that the Girl Scouts are inherently evil, or even that their move for world domination is in the near future, but if we don't keep a close watch on these cute little weapons of dictatorship, we may very well be looking down the barrel of the United States of Trefoils and Do-Si-Dos.