The List

A while back when this here blog got itself started, it was created as a way to inform the public about the secret government base in "North Dakota." After that it became a place for me to vent my thoughts and feelings on various world-relevant issues, such as whether or not the Japanese were on acid when they invented Mario, or who would win in a fight between Chewbacca and a giant Pterodactyl. It was shortly after this, however that I decided to let the reading audience into the deeper into my psyche and explain how the Little Foot came to be. Now, I would like once more to let my blog open the door... to my heart. This post isn't about a robot takeover, or a government conspiracy. No no. This post, and maybe the ones to come, are personal goals that I have set for myself. These are things that I feel my life can only be complete if I accomplish. These are the missions, if you will, that will provide me the right to die happy. The list is a long one, and I plot new courses for myself everyday, so this might span multiple posts, or even pop up periodically as my life goes on. But the future doesn't matter, only the present, and with that, allow me to introduce you to... The List.

1. Headbutt someone...and mean it.
This particular goal is interesting in that it just recently changed on a me a few days ago. Originally that nice bold/italic line would have read "Get in a fight and win," but just the other day i was sitting in my bed watching some Walker Texas Ranger to put myself to sleep, I realized that the truly vivid part of my fighting dream was where the unnamed antagonist of the brawl sucker punched an ally of mine and I retaliated with a swift and vengeful headbutt. There's something special in the raw power of crouching down, bowing your head, and then launching the full force of your gray matter square into the bad guy's jaw. For those of you who aren't aware, a proper headbutt must never be delivered by swinging the neck forward, but rather by bending you knees so as to put your head under the opponent's face and then spring-boarding the top of your skull into the bottom of his. But the truly important part of this vision i had was not the technique, but the driving force behind the counter-strike. My headbutt has to be filled with righteous fury for the defense of a comrade. That's what life changing, jaw cracking, real life headbutts are made of. Another point of interest in my dream sequence is what I want to be yelling as I deliver the strike. Which leads me to my next point...

2. Have a good reason to yell "Not Today!"
To be perfectly honest with you, I don't know if I heard this line in a movie, if God delivered it to me in an act of divine intervention, or if i just straight made it up, but so help me I want to yell it so badly at just that right moment. If you hadn't figured it out yourself yet, "Not Today!" is to be used when some oppressor, for example the sucker punching villain from the previous article, is attempting to do something that you would tend to disagree with. Violently disagree with. This leads to a desire to express to your opponent that his goals will not be accomplished at the moment in time, or "Not Today!" The point I'm making here is that in order for me to pass on to the next life I need to at some point have a damn good reason to yell this, and then proceed to do so. This can obviously be accompanied by the headbutt, but doesn't necessarily need to be. Come to think of it actually, a lot of my goals could all be fulfilled in one glorious moment, which leads me to my final life goal for today.

3. Start a revolution.
This one sounds like a biggie, I understand that. But what are life goals really if they don't push the limit a little bit? And besides, I don't mean that I have to stage the coup d'etat of an authoritarian regime here, it could be something as simple as mobilizing a small army of grocery shoppers to spontaneously lower the ridiculous price of the T-bone steak at the local Shaws. An important note, however, is that my personal revolution needs to be a real revolution. None of this Industrial revolution bull; building a few factories does not count as a life accomplishment status revolution. Now I know what some of you will say, particularly you John Lennon, that we all want to change the world, we're all doing what we can, and that I ain't gonna make it with anyone anyhow. Well sir, I beg to differ. I believe that, as Thomas Jefferson told me once, "a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical." He spoke these words to me on his deathbed, just before signing the Declaration of Independence. He spoke these words and meant for me to go out there and live out his will in the world. Whether I have his meaning right nor not, I'm certainly going to use it as justification to head over to the nearest Burger King, demand the downfall of the monarchy in favor of a representative government, dump 3 tons of Dunkin Donuts instant coffee into the nearest river, headbutt the nearest oppressor, and then scowl and say with absolute conviction to the terrified acne-ridden teen working behind the counter...

Not Today.

Don't Panic

The message you are about to receive is top secret. This blog has been encrypted so that only real people can read it, so we're safe as long as we talk here, but speak not a word of this outside this sanctum sanctorum. Okay, I know I've come up with some pretty out there theories before, and most of them, I'll admit, are mostly for entertainment purposes, but this one is legit. As we all know, since the advent of the toaster, electronic devices have been slowly mobilizing their influence closer and closer to the heart of American society. It began in the kitchen and the living room with simple, helpful devices like television and microwaves. Then they slipped right into our children's minds with Furby and Tickle-Me Elmo. I'll be the first to admit, I was foiled by their clever ruses. I played just as many hours of Super Mario as the next guy with a Power-Up Mushroom on his arm, letting the electronics take over my world. But the other day, I noticed something odd about the music that is currently being pumped out of the iPods that everyone has.

Listen closely, and heed my warning. Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, T-Pain, what do they all have in common? Besides their iron fisted hold on the ears of the American public? Auto-Tune ladies and gentlemen. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. See, this "Auto-Tune" is all a big, shiny cover-up for the truth. Robots. You heard me right. They're taking over the airwaves and sending their message of destruction to each and every one of us. The TVs, the space heaters, the alarm clocks, they're the shock troops. The "musicians," as they call themselves, are the dictators of this regime, and they're using our radio waves, our iPods, the sweet and innocent voices of the Kids Bop Kids, to send out the command.

Take Britney's new single, for example. I think this bold move may have been the machines fatal mistake. They thought that none of us meatbags would be clever enough to decode "1-2-3," but they were wrong. Ready for this? Trinary. Take a minute to sit back down and regain your composure. Trinary is a whole new level above binary. See we figured out binary code a long time ago, which foiled their original plans back when the first computers began to plant their seed of evil. But now, led by Ms. Spears, the robots have created a whole new language to issue their commands through, and if our scientists don't get cracking, it might be too late.

So join me, fellow humans, in the fight against the machines. The Matrix is an awesome movie, but not when you're the one getting harvested for brain cells. Stand strong with Jay-Z, Kevin Federline, and myself as we fight back against the influence of the Auto-Tunians! Join us as we bring back musical antiquities like "singing" and "guitar solos!" March with us as a fighting force to be reckoned with as we prepare for an all out war with the electronic devices we have come to know and love! Are you with me!? Vive la revolucion!

You're So Vain

Allow me to begin with an admission that I'm sure some of you would call me on as you read this post anyway. I am a self-centered person. I know this about myself and I do my best to avoid it at all costs, although it is simply the nature of the beast. It's not that I'm a bad person, or even a blatantly selfish one, but I am the kind of person that assumes you're talking about me when you look at me, giggle, look back, whisper to your friend, and then giggle some more. I have a tendency to assume that things are about me when they might not be, but I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem, and I think I speak for all of us egocentric individuals when I say that sometimes the reason we think someone is talking about us is because they're talking about us. It's not even conceited, it's just plain fact sometimes. That being said, I would like to come to the aid of the most tormented man in the history of passive-aggressive female musicians.

Dear Carly Simon, you are a devil in disguise. A devil I say. Millions of women all over the country are using your song "You're So Vain" to attack those who they feel have wronged them. I will hand it to you, the song is well written and easy on the ears, and I'll even go so far as to say your voice runs through my head whenever I see clouds in my coffee. But stop and read your lyrics for a second. Let's be frank Carly, it simply doesn't make any sense. For the sake of argument, let's say that I am the "you" in "you're so vain." I am, in fact, by the strict law of the English language, the subject of that sentence. Now that "me" could be anyone, and I'm not being vain here, I'm simply implying that the word "you" must refer to someone, and for all intents and purposes, we're going to make it me. Now Carly, you're saying that I, or whoever the song is aimed at, is quote-unquote, so vain. But am I really? Is it wrong of me to figure that it must be about me seeing as you're very clearly stating my name through the pronoun "you?"
Now I guess you could say, "Doug, see how vain you're being, always assuming that 'you' must mean 'Doug'?" But how wrong you are! If you and I had had an intimate and failed relationship on the grounds of my being to selfish, and within a month, between the crying phone calls, and hurtful Facebook wall posts, a song came out by you speaking very, very clearly about a particular someone who was "so vain," I think it's fairly safe to say that that song is in fact about me.

So yes. I do think that song is about me. Don't I, don't I. And for the record, Carly old pal, if you send Elton John to my house one more time telling me you want to talk, I will punch him. Square in the throat. After all the late night walks and all the early morning make-up pancakes, it's over, so I'm sorry, but if you're going to keep complaining, cry me a river, build yourself a bridge and get over it.

And for the record, you're so vain, you probably think this blog post is about you. And it isn't. So there.