You're So Vain

Allow me to begin with an admission that I'm sure some of you would call me on as you read this post anyway. I am a self-centered person. I know this about myself and I do my best to avoid it at all costs, although it is simply the nature of the beast. It's not that I'm a bad person, or even a blatantly selfish one, but I am the kind of person that assumes you're talking about me when you look at me, giggle, look back, whisper to your friend, and then giggle some more. I have a tendency to assume that things are about me when they might not be, but I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem, and I think I speak for all of us egocentric individuals when I say that sometimes the reason we think someone is talking about us is because they're talking about us. It's not even conceited, it's just plain fact sometimes. That being said, I would like to come to the aid of the most tormented man in the history of passive-aggressive female musicians.

Dear Carly Simon, you are a devil in disguise. A devil I say. Millions of women all over the country are using your song "You're So Vain" to attack those who they feel have wronged them. I will hand it to you, the song is well written and easy on the ears, and I'll even go so far as to say your voice runs through my head whenever I see clouds in my coffee. But stop and read your lyrics for a second. Let's be frank Carly, it simply doesn't make any sense. For the sake of argument, let's say that I am the "you" in "you're so vain." I am, in fact, by the strict law of the English language, the subject of that sentence. Now that "me" could be anyone, and I'm not being vain here, I'm simply implying that the word "you" must refer to someone, and for all intents and purposes, we're going to make it me. Now Carly, you're saying that I, or whoever the song is aimed at, is quote-unquote, so vain. But am I really? Is it wrong of me to figure that it must be about me seeing as you're very clearly stating my name through the pronoun "you?"
Now I guess you could say, "Doug, see how vain you're being, always assuming that 'you' must mean 'Doug'?" But how wrong you are! If you and I had had an intimate and failed relationship on the grounds of my being to selfish, and within a month, between the crying phone calls, and hurtful Facebook wall posts, a song came out by you speaking very, very clearly about a particular someone who was "so vain," I think it's fairly safe to say that that song is in fact about me.

So yes. I do think that song is about me. Don't I, don't I. And for the record, Carly old pal, if you send Elton John to my house one more time telling me you want to talk, I will punch him. Square in the throat. After all the late night walks and all the early morning make-up pancakes, it's over, so I'm sorry, but if you're going to keep complaining, cry me a river, build yourself a bridge and get over it.

And for the record, you're so vain, you probably think this blog post is about you. And it isn't. So there.

Apocalypse Part 2

After a few days of watching the polls here, checking in frequently for comments and concerns, I'm back with some more thoughts to ponder on the Epic War of the Future. But first, let me say that the polls came back men 10, women 7. Out of 32 followers, 16 of them are women. Not that everyone voted, but I'm just trying to prove I don't run a macho-centric blog. Polls being considered, though not held as scripture, let's move on to a few more points in the war. This time I'll cover strategies of each side and possible counter maneuvers.

Those of you who are new to this post series should go back and read Apocalypse Part 1, and those of you who aren't caught up and are hyper-sensitive should go back and read the disclaimer as well.

Women's Strategy

A commonly accepted fact is that men love to look at women, especially underclothed ones. So in the most politically correct words as possible, the women could "display" certain "characteristics" to "disable" the men, making their fighting less than perfection and opening a line in their advances for the women to sail through.

Men's Counter
This is a war between all men and all women. This means that less heterosexual men will be placed in sniper positions and tasked with eliminating the threats to morale presented by the females. Their resilience to feminine distractions makes them ideal for this role, and effectively eliminates that course of action for the women.

Men's Strategy

Taking advantage of the women's tendency toward infighting (described earlier) men have a plan to use on the front lines of battle. Using a megaphone, the men will single out a certain battalion of women and tell them that all of the other batallions look better than they do today. Rather than assault the men, the plan is that at least some of the more insecure women will turn on the other sections of their own army and create a less than ideal fighting environment.

Women's Counter

Knowing the men's coniving ways and anticipating this plan, the women will counterstrike with an equally loud megaphone and ask the men "Do these fatigues make us look fat?" Stunned, the men will have no choice but to offend each and every one of the women, negating the effect of their previous propaganda.

Women's Strategy

A basic military strategy that holds a promising record in the history of war is the classic bombing raid. Simple, dignified, and utterly destructive, women's natural ability to go to the bathroom in perfect synchronization also makes them adept at coordinated flight patternes. The men won't see such a militant attack coming from them, and will be taken completely by surprise.

Men's Counter

2 words. Amelia Earhart. Enough Said.

Men's Strategy

Motivation is such a key component of war that military tacticians have been working on developing new technologies for years. But one of the most tried and true weapons of willpower is a good song. Since the dawn of war, men have been beating drums to move the hearts of their warriors. Thousands of men with guns is a mighty force indeed, but thousands of men with guns listening to "We're Not Gonna Take It" will mow down any opposition, guaranteed.

Women's Counter
They know how to do it. They practice constantly. And all it takes is a quick radio signal interception to release their own personal brand of audio anhilation. Once the women have the hard rock station the men are jamming to, all they need to do is change the channel every 2 seconds to not only kill the fighting songs, but annoy the living soul out of every man out there.

Apocalypse Part 1

Time: The future.

Place: All over the globe

Occasion: The final battle has broken out. No longer can the tension and brutality be kept locked away inside. The war between men and women has unleashed its fury upon the world. Each side is armed with the traits and abilities that they have developed over the last several thousand years. With each army starting on opposite sides of the globe and battling their way toward and through each other, the epic battle can only end when the other side is eliminated. Who will win? We shall see.

Over the next few posts, I will explore the various factors that will ultimately decide the war. All the while you can look to the left of the blog for polls where YOU can voice your opinion on the topics. So please, sit back, take it all in, and then weigh in at the end of every post. I'll put the next one up once I get a consensus on people opinions as to the first and so on and so forth.

DISCLAIMER: Some of the things in this blog series will be biased, stereotypical, and offensive. I apologise, but in order to explore this topic, gross generalizations must be made. Also, I will do my best to avoid thinking to chauvinistically, despite my gender. If you really feel the need to call me on something, by all means, comment or make yourself heard in the poll.

Topic 1: Organization.

A crucial part of any war effort is the organization of the leaders of each army. Men and women each have their own particular sets of skills, but I think in terms of leadership, the men will come out on top. I will admit, women are smarter than men. They can multi-task better, reason faster, and think of more creative strategies. But in terms of sheer leadership, I think men have the advantage. Women, in the heat of battle, will do anything to win, which is great, but the problem is that every woman will do anything to win, even if their individual strategies conflict. Men will choose a leader, say someone like Ol' G. Washington, and then do whatever he tells them to do. So while not as many ideas are shared, men don't encounter the problem of infighting and turmoil within the ranks. I've seen an all girl class office at school try to run itself. The tensions run high when any of them, and I mean any of them, comes up with an idea. Men might not think as much, but at least we won't be clawing each other's eyes out.

Topic 2: Sustainability.

This war that we're looking at is not a conflict that can be resolved over a couple of months. This will be a long, drawn out conflict, flaring up at times, and at others dying down to a dull roar. This is where a key component of the battle comes into play. Women currently outnumber men 2:1, and not only that, but there is nothing men can build, think, or do to avoid the fact that if women can get their hands on a couple of strands of DNA, they are the only side out of the two that can sustain itself. In the long conflict, there will be time to raise children, children that can join the fight. Granted, if a male child is spawned he might need to be kept a secret or even destroyed. But that's beside the point, the fact of the matter is that either side can make in-vitro armies, but only men have made their "half of the bargain" readily available, in certain banking establishments. This one has to go to the women.

Topic 3: Determination.

Another point might have to go to the women here. Both sides, when faced with these life or death circumstances will certainly fight hard, but women are, in general, much more determined than men. Especially, if any man ever brings up even the thought of a possibility of a vague suggestion to do any harm to their children. Game over dude. Normal women turn into the incredible she hulk in 2.5 seconds and will stop at nothing to seek and destroy their target, with their bare hands if necessary. Not that men aren't determined, but a wall of rampaging, hormonal wildebeasts can trump a force twice its size on the field of battle.

That ought to be enough to get the gears in your head rolling. Remember, this particular blog is a community effort, comment to let me know any thoughts you have, and answer the poll to publicly display your opinion. Keep talking to me, and check back soon when I take your ideas and more of my own and bring you Part 2.