The Problem with Axe

Its early morning for me, around noon, on a President's Day morning. As I prepare myself for the day, going through my normal routine, I stop for a second as I fumigate my bathroom with the familiar scent of Axe body spray. For the most part, I use the stuff out of habit at this point, without giving much thought as to how effective the self-proclaimed "chick magnet" is. Today is a different story however, as I devote an entire tooth brushing session to contemplating the new millenium odor-craze that is Axe body spray.

First of all, I would like to propose the theory that all fragrances for Axe are developed by gay men. My reasoning behind this is that in all my years of musical theater, no girl I have ever met has ever had any magnetic pull towards Axe. Contrarily, most are appalled by the scent, simply because of its reputation for drawing them in. On the other hand, most guys throw on Axe in the morning thinking "Man, do I smell awesome!" So is it just me, or does it seem that guys are more attracted to axe than girls are? Logically, this can only mean that the team developing all the different Axe varieties are all men, and by nature of smelling other men for a living, gay men. There's absolutely nothing at all wrong with this, I'm just saying that there's no way any women back there developing these scents that they all hate.

My next question to the axe company is where in the cosmos are they pulling these names from? I can understand "Essence" and maybe "Touch" but "Kilo?"A Kilo of what? Charisma? Axe? Illicit substances? Come on, that doesn't even "kind of" make sense. And even with the names that do sound logical, how do the names relate directly to each scent? It's not like "Touch" makes me more touchable, and "Kilo" doesn't make me any heavier. The way the names are it sounds like they're supposed to give you super-powers. I feel like "VooDoo" should come with its own zombie, and "Tsunami" should bestow on me some kind of Captain Planet type water blasts.

I'm probably going to continue to wear Axe even after these revelations. There's something in the scent that makes men think "No way this smells bad! All those women call me a pig but I've seen the commercials, I know what's up." So I'll keep on wearing it and hoping that someday they'll make a scent called "Laser Vision."