Don't Panic

The message you are about to receive is top secret. This blog has been encrypted so that only real people can read it, so we're safe as long as we talk here, but speak not a word of this outside this sanctum sanctorum. Okay, I know I've come up with some pretty out there theories before, and most of them, I'll admit, are mostly for entertainment purposes, but this one is legit. As we all know, since the advent of the toaster, electronic devices have been slowly mobilizing their influence closer and closer to the heart of American society. It began in the kitchen and the living room with simple, helpful devices like television and microwaves. Then they slipped right into our children's minds with Furby and Tickle-Me Elmo. I'll be the first to admit, I was foiled by their clever ruses. I played just as many hours of Super Mario as the next guy with a Power-Up Mushroom on his arm, letting the electronics take over my world. But the other day, I noticed something odd about the music that is currently being pumped out of the iPods that everyone has.

Listen closely, and heed my warning. Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, T-Pain, what do they all have in common? Besides their iron fisted hold on the ears of the American public? Auto-Tune ladies and gentlemen. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. See, this "Auto-Tune" is all a big, shiny cover-up for the truth. Robots. You heard me right. They're taking over the airwaves and sending their message of destruction to each and every one of us. The TVs, the space heaters, the alarm clocks, they're the shock troops. The "musicians," as they call themselves, are the dictators of this regime, and they're using our radio waves, our iPods, the sweet and innocent voices of the Kids Bop Kids, to send out the command.

Take Britney's new single, for example. I think this bold move may have been the machines fatal mistake. They thought that none of us meatbags would be clever enough to decode "1-2-3," but they were wrong. Ready for this? Trinary. Take a minute to sit back down and regain your composure. Trinary is a whole new level above binary. See we figured out binary code a long time ago, which foiled their original plans back when the first computers began to plant their seed of evil. But now, led by Ms. Spears, the robots have created a whole new language to issue their commands through, and if our scientists don't get cracking, it might be too late.

So join me, fellow humans, in the fight against the machines. The Matrix is an awesome movie, but not when you're the one getting harvested for brain cells. Stand strong with Jay-Z, Kevin Federline, and myself as we fight back against the influence of the Auto-Tunians! Join us as we bring back musical antiquities like "singing" and "guitar solos!" March with us as a fighting force to be reckoned with as we prepare for an all out war with the electronic devices we have come to know and love! Are you with me!? Vive la revolucion!

Just Sit Right Back and Hear a Tale...

First and foremost do yourself a favor right now and hum the tune to the Gilligan's Island theme song. Got it? Okay now go right a head and sing the words to Amazing Grace. Ready to have your mind blown? Now sing the words to Amazing Grace to the tune of Gilligan's island. You have just self-introduced yourself to the world of Gilligan's Island conspiracy.
So now that we know that Amazing Grace is obviously secretly hidden in that classic TV theme, you might be wondering, "You're right Doug, my mind is literally blown out of my skull! But what does it all mean?" Take a minute to think about the lyrics to everyone's favorite hymn. With all that wretch saving and lost getting going on it's almost as if Gilligan's Island might have some underlying religious context going on, and as your official purveyor of secret knowledge, it is my job to reveal to you exactly what that context is.
Let's begin by thinking about the situation described in the Gilligan's Island theme. How lost can one really get after a simple three hour tour? I guess it depends on what you happened to be touring. Let's say you were touring, I don't know, the River Styx. I'm thinking three hours of rough waters would get you pretty lost in the abysmal depths of hell. And that, my friends, is exactly what happened to The Fearless Crew.
You see, Gilligan's Island plays itself as a hysterical romp with a deserted group of zany characters and brilliantly unfortunate situations. This isn't Lost, this is a fun loving, zero brain power required half hour of television. Or is it?
Each and every character on this show is on that island for a reason. Think about it folks. It's a parable. The seven deadly sins, epitomized by a very specific group of ne'r-do-wells, are trapped on this "deserted island" to show the viewing population of America the errors of their ways.

Character Breakdown. Hold on to your pants.

Ginger: A movie star in the 60's, much like today, couldn't get to the top just by talent alone. I think it's safe to assume that Ginger has had her fair share of "casting sessions" with certain key directors, thus ensuring her fame, her entrapment on the island, and her spot on the charts as the Lust incarnate.

Marianne: There are three women on Gilligan's Island. One of them is to old to matter in terms of sex appeal. Between the other two, it's perfectly clear that Ginger takes the place as the island "tigress" and Marianne gets to sit back and watch. But that gets to a woman, and Marianne is at any given moment so filled with Jealousy that she takes her spot representing that deadly sin itself.

The Professor: If you had the ability to make a radio out of a coconut and some twine, wouldn't you have a little bit of narcissism too? This Proud little man might not be smart enough to just fix the damn hole in the boat, but he's certainly positive he can do just about everything else--and everyone around him knows it.

The Millionaire: If this were any more obvious it would probably hurt your brain. What kind of opulent, extravagant old man isn't just a big ol' pot of Greed.

His Wife: This one's a little trickier. One might think about Greed, or maybe Jealousy, but really ponder it for a minute. Her husband's wealth has done everything for her for as long as they've been married. She doesn't do much, because she doesn't need to do much. Mrs. Howell is pure and unadulterated Sloth, and she couldn't be better at it.

Skipper: Okay here's where thing get a little confusing. You might have thought ahead about this and realized, "Wait...The Skipper's the only overweight one, and the only really angry one... he must be one or the other... man Doug I'm lost, enlighten me." I certainly will. The Skipper is, quite simply, both Rage and Gluttony. That's right folks. That's all 7 of the deadly sins. Which leaves one definitive character, crucial to both the plot line of the show, and the hidden meaning.

Gilligan: Who else can I think of in religious context that wears all red, punishes the evil by keeping them trapped in hell, and laughs at the suffering of others? That's right people, Gilligan is the Devil. Every time they thought they'd make it off that island Gilligan would "accidentally" cause some major fluke in the plan, once again literally damning everyone to that island. And if he is the Devil, and they are really in Hell, then i guess it really is "Gilligan's Island," isn't it?




See that little blob over in the corner of your room?

That's your mind.

A Little More Evidence

This is the last one of these for a while, I promise, and I'll make it as fast as I can. But the coincidences in my life regarding North Dakota, as well as all of the new information I'm finding out is really starting to make me worried, and I feel the need to share that crippling fear of the government with you.

Before I divulge another frightening personal tale, allow me to explain one more North Dakota fact. Ladies and gentlemen, North Dakota is the only state that doesn't use any kind of voter registration list. None at all. So in any federal records for voting residents of the state of North Dakota...nothing. Do they not vote? Would a registration list reveal to much about the population? Is it possible that not having registered votes allows them to fix elections one way or another seeing as its impossible to tell how many voters there actually are? You decide.

By the way, I finally found a celebrity from North Dakota. His name is Josh Duhamel. Apparently hes married to Fergie now of the Black Eyed Peas. Sounds like he's just famous enough to be proof, but not so famous that anyone would ever go looking for his home town of "Minot, ND." His father is a salesman, and his mother teaches elementary school. Oh how classic Americana. He played football for a local state college and always wanted to be a dentist. come on government! If you want to deceive me you're going to need to try harder than that!

After some more searching I discovered that Nicole Linkletter and CarriDee English, both winners of next top model, and Kellan Lutz, of Twilight fame, all hail from "North Dakota." Funny thing is, all three of them, as well as our buddy Duhamel all started as models. Now I know what you're thinking, ya, ya Doug sure, sure big deal. But really guys? It produces just enough C list celebrities to stay real, just enough strangely beautiful people to convince us it's there. But they can't hide the Grand Forks Air Base and all the other military establishments. There's something going on over there.

Anyway, onto my new personal references to the truth behind the lie. Another friend (who won't be named) heard my theory. The very next day she was on the highway in the left lane when a black Impala with tinted windows pulled up next to her and stayed even with her for about two miles and then sped off. A minute later, she heard a dedication to someone from North Dakota on a local Boston radio station. Really government? Really? You don't think I notice when I tell my friend about Ol' North Dakota and the next day she sees a ND licence plate at Applebees? Sure, sure just stake out places I go out to eat all the time waiting for me to show up so you can casually drive by and show me your "proof." Go ahead.

Make my day.

Breaking News

Instead of a brand new point of interest tonight, I have some new information about my original post that might sway a few more of you to believe as I believe. For new readers who may have never seen the idea that started it all, I began this blog by stating my theory that North Dakota doesn't exist. It might sound crazy if you've never read it, so you might want to go and check that out before you read this. I'm putting this here in light of a few new pieces of information regarding this "state," as recently some things have been brought to my attention that I feel the public has a right to know.

First of all, here are a few "North Dakota" facts that can be found online. Did you know that the only US state never to have an earthquake is North Dakota? It doesn't seem that suspicious until you think of all the government work that could be destroyed by one, especially all of the underground facilities. Is it possible that that area was picked simply for its resistance to troublesome tremors? Or is there some kind of tectonic plate restricting technology in use, perhaps technology found in the ships of crashed UFOs. You be the judge my friends. How about that in North Dakota there are more registered vehicles than people. Now let's try the math; if each government employee has a black Impala, a white, tinted-windowed van, and a Ford Taurus...indeed, that's three cars to every one person. This fact sounds feasible to me. Last but not least, how about the fact that if North Dakota seceded from the Union it would be the world's third strongest nuclear power. Seriously, come on people! Who do they think they're fooling! The place has conspiracy written all over it!

All right, besides these facts one more thing was brought to my attention just last night. Not an Internet site, not a theory, but a cold, hard eye-witness account. A close and trusted friend of mine was describing a business trip that brought him through North Dakota. He said, and I quote, "I went to a bar soon after I got into North Dakota. I swear it was the strangest place I had ever been in my life. There was the token Indian girl in the corner, the drunk guy, the poker players, the friendly bartender... it was like everyone in there was playing a role." Very Truman Show-esque, no? It's all a cover up. Everything in there that we can see or know about is fabricated to fool us folks.

Finally, some personal news that I need to say soon. Soon as in before they black bag me and take me who knows where. I think the government is on to me. There, I said it. I've noticed an increase in black and white cars with dark windows and government plates every where I go. And what I am about to say is completely true. I know some of what I say sounds like a load you-know-what, but this story really, honest to God happened to me. On a recent trip to the gym, I was parked in the lot getting my stuff ready to go in, when a black Impala with government plates pulled up in front of me. Inside were two men with sunglasses on who seemed to be looking right at me. So I reached into the back of my car, not to get anything, but to avoid looking at them. As I put my shoes on, I noticed one of them had left the car and walked up to a column in front of the gym. He stood there, not smoking or doing anything, just standing. As I walked up to the gym, as soon as I was in speaking distance he turned his head to me and said "How we doing?," to which I replied "Awesome." When I finished and left the place, they were gone, neither of them having ever set foot in the gym, or any nearby business.

Once again, that story is completely true, I am not lying at all. That's why I didn't give the name of my business tripping friend. They're on to me man. I'm just saying, if someone picks me up, you readers will know not exactly where I am, but why I'm there. Just remember that.

By the way, if and when that happens, someone please tell my government teacher where I am. He doesn't believe the whole North Dakota thing. Also, Danny, you can have my Wii, assuming that they don't take you too now that I used your name. My bad.

Board Games Are Not Your Friend

Before I begin to reveal to you the secrets that common house hold board games have been hiding behind for years, first allow me to apologise to those faithful readers who have been disappointed by my dry spell over the past week. An epic streak of things to do and a lack of ideas caused the blog to run barren, so thanks to you who kept checking to see if I would ever come back, I appreciate it, and indeed, I have returned. Now, onto the Board Game Conspiracy.

I would wager that most of us here in the good ol' US of A are familiar with the popular children's game "Mouse Trap." What most of us aren't aware of is the money grubbing scheme hidden boldly behind this game's little plastic pieces of doom. In theory, Mouse Trap is a great game; you build a mouse trap and then attempt to trap your friends and watch them rot to death in a little red cage until their cute mouse-y flesh just falls off the bone. The sweet thrill of literally starving your opponent to death is just to tempting for most children. But the slightly morbid concept of this rat race is not where the evil lies.

Having played Mouse Trap a lot as a child I'm not surprised that I never noticed it's dark side until now. Youngins are fast to forgive a board game when it doesn't work perfectly, and they probably won't remember what broke last time even as it fails to work the next time, but thinking about it recently I saw the true blatant money hunger behind Milton-Bradley, and it lies behind one little green diver.

Not once, in my personal Mouse Trap history, and nor in that of several of my board game playing cohorts (see. Tim and Emily Smith) has the little green diver ever landed right on that see-saw. I'm not asking for rocket science in my games, but I don't want the one trajectory based part of it all designed by a mentally unstable freshman in a Physics 101 class with a crippling case of ADD and the entire Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade outside to distract him. That little green diver my friends is the brilliant part of Milton-Bradly's scheme. Let's assume you're a parent with the means to purchase another set of Mouse Trap if your child requests it. When little Timmy comes into the living room, and interrupts Judge Judy with tears steaming down his cheeks because the cage never fell. His entire set of innocent little hopes and dreams was crushed when the diver didn't land on the see-saw and he never saw the Rube Goldberg style contraption reach fruition. What do you do? How do you respond to that show of infinite sadness? You don't have a physics degree, you can't solve the case of the Demon Diver. So you take a deep breath, accept that these were the duties you took on as a parent, and so help you God the second that Judge Judy is over you march yourself right out to K-Mart and you buy another copy of Mouse Trap, feeling more satisfied as a parent that you ever have before.

You, hypothetically, have been had by the Board Game Conspiracy. There's nothing wrong with that diver. The see-saw isn't broken. The game simply isn't designed to work. How else could they get you to buy another product? Expansion sets? I don't think so. And the worst part of the scheme is this my friends. Say you get home with that game, but now its 9:00. Not only is 24 starting, but its also coincidentally little Timmy's bed time. And tomorrow, his natural childlike attention deficit disorder makes him forget the game ever existed. But in a few months during a fit of boredom he'll take it out to play again, and once again his world will fall apart as that unholy diver lands refuses to land on that midnight sea-saw. Once more, you will trek to your local corruption dealer and buy into the Conspiracy. And the thing is, no one can complain, because the piece is perfectly intact. There isn't a single concrete issue with the game, so no lawsuits, no letters of complaint, no nothing. Nice work there MB, clever.

And that ladies and gentlemen, is why companies like Milton-Bradley can exist despite not producing a real game in over ten years. And by real game, I do not mean slapping Dora the Explorer on a previously made game. I want to see some ingenuity here people! I want a board game that will wake up the world! But it won't happen as long as they can keep making that nice little diver fail to stick his landing. And they will people, they will.

North Dakota.

Ok. Odds are if the feds find this I'm a dead man walking, so listen up and listen close. This is a post about "North Dakota."

Everyone knows that Area 51 is in New Mexico. So when you go there, you might be driving through the desert minding your own business and come across "Roswell." So I have a question, if the government is so good at hiding all of this and silencing anyone who tries to reveal the crash landing, my first question to you is why is it such common knowledge that thats where it is?

Question 2. Ever met anyone from North Dakota? Didn't think so. Ever heard of any big name atheletes or super stars from North Dakota? Nope. Ever vacationed there, seen a "Made in ND" label or even flown over it? Point, set, match.

Fact of the matter is folks, "North Dakota" isn't a real place. That's where the aliens landed, in a plot of land that used to just be empty space. On November 2, 1889, Benjamin Harrison admitted this state to the Union. At the same time, he admitted South Dakota. This clever tactic worked well for decieving the public into believing a lie. By simultaniously covering up the crash landing and creating another state, Harrison effectively fooled us all. "Of course North Dakota is real, there's a South Dakota." There sure is. And it's a damn fine cover up.

Now I know what some of you might say. You know someone from North Dakota. Ya well think about that person for a second. Are they a little odd? Hmmmm. I wonder why? Could it be because they're a plant, sent by the feds to remind us of the "state's" existance? You decide.

Have you ever driven through North Dakota, or flown over it? If so, do you remember anything about that time? Any landmarks, any events in the car or the plane? Maybe you remeber the "Now Entering" sign, but that's it. Then an empty spot in your memory and *poof* you're in Montana.

Still not convinced? One final thought. Superdirectories.com. Lists of all kinds of information. http://www.superdirectories.com/?Branch_ID=691788 That there is what you get if you look up famous atheletes from North Dakota. I rest my case.