Just Sit Right Back and Hear a Tale...

First and foremost do yourself a favor right now and hum the tune to the Gilligan's Island theme song. Got it? Okay now go right a head and sing the words to Amazing Grace. Ready to have your mind blown? Now sing the words to Amazing Grace to the tune of Gilligan's island. You have just self-introduced yourself to the world of Gilligan's Island conspiracy.
So now that we know that Amazing Grace is obviously secretly hidden in that classic TV theme, you might be wondering, "You're right Doug, my mind is literally blown out of my skull! But what does it all mean?" Take a minute to think about the lyrics to everyone's favorite hymn. With all that wretch saving and lost getting going on it's almost as if Gilligan's Island might have some underlying religious context going on, and as your official purveyor of secret knowledge, it is my job to reveal to you exactly what that context is.
Let's begin by thinking about the situation described in the Gilligan's Island theme. How lost can one really get after a simple three hour tour? I guess it depends on what you happened to be touring. Let's say you were touring, I don't know, the River Styx. I'm thinking three hours of rough waters would get you pretty lost in the abysmal depths of hell. And that, my friends, is exactly what happened to The Fearless Crew.
You see, Gilligan's Island plays itself as a hysterical romp with a deserted group of zany characters and brilliantly unfortunate situations. This isn't Lost, this is a fun loving, zero brain power required half hour of television. Or is it?
Each and every character on this show is on that island for a reason. Think about it folks. It's a parable. The seven deadly sins, epitomized by a very specific group of ne'r-do-wells, are trapped on this "deserted island" to show the viewing population of America the errors of their ways.

Character Breakdown. Hold on to your pants.

Ginger: A movie star in the 60's, much like today, couldn't get to the top just by talent alone. I think it's safe to assume that Ginger has had her fair share of "casting sessions" with certain key directors, thus ensuring her fame, her entrapment on the island, and her spot on the charts as the Lust incarnate.

Marianne: There are three women on Gilligan's Island. One of them is to old to matter in terms of sex appeal. Between the other two, it's perfectly clear that Ginger takes the place as the island "tigress" and Marianne gets to sit back and watch. But that gets to a woman, and Marianne is at any given moment so filled with Jealousy that she takes her spot representing that deadly sin itself.

The Professor: If you had the ability to make a radio out of a coconut and some twine, wouldn't you have a little bit of narcissism too? This Proud little man might not be smart enough to just fix the damn hole in the boat, but he's certainly positive he can do just about everything else--and everyone around him knows it.

The Millionaire: If this were any more obvious it would probably hurt your brain. What kind of opulent, extravagant old man isn't just a big ol' pot of Greed.

His Wife: This one's a little trickier. One might think about Greed, or maybe Jealousy, but really ponder it for a minute. Her husband's wealth has done everything for her for as long as they've been married. She doesn't do much, because she doesn't need to do much. Mrs. Howell is pure and unadulterated Sloth, and she couldn't be better at it.

Skipper: Okay here's where thing get a little confusing. You might have thought ahead about this and realized, "Wait...The Skipper's the only overweight one, and the only really angry one... he must be one or the other... man Doug I'm lost, enlighten me." I certainly will. The Skipper is, quite simply, both Rage and Gluttony. That's right folks. That's all 7 of the deadly sins. Which leaves one definitive character, crucial to both the plot line of the show, and the hidden meaning.

Gilligan: Who else can I think of in religious context that wears all red, punishes the evil by keeping them trapped in hell, and laughs at the suffering of others? That's right people, Gilligan is the Devil. Every time they thought they'd make it off that island Gilligan would "accidentally" cause some major fluke in the plan, once again literally damning everyone to that island. And if he is the Devil, and they are really in Hell, then i guess it really is "Gilligan's Island," isn't it?




See that little blob over in the corner of your room?

That's your mind.