Don't Panic

The message you are about to receive is top secret. This blog has been encrypted so that only real people can read it, so we're safe as long as we talk here, but speak not a word of this outside this sanctum sanctorum. Okay, I know I've come up with some pretty out there theories before, and most of them, I'll admit, are mostly for entertainment purposes, but this one is legit. As we all know, since the advent of the toaster, electronic devices have been slowly mobilizing their influence closer and closer to the heart of American society. It began in the kitchen and the living room with simple, helpful devices like television and microwaves. Then they slipped right into our children's minds with Furby and Tickle-Me Elmo. I'll be the first to admit, I was foiled by their clever ruses. I played just as many hours of Super Mario as the next guy with a Power-Up Mushroom on his arm, letting the electronics take over my world. But the other day, I noticed something odd about the music that is currently being pumped out of the iPods that everyone has.

Listen closely, and heed my warning. Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, T-Pain, what do they all have in common? Besides their iron fisted hold on the ears of the American public? Auto-Tune ladies and gentlemen. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. See, this "Auto-Tune" is all a big, shiny cover-up for the truth. Robots. You heard me right. They're taking over the airwaves and sending their message of destruction to each and every one of us. The TVs, the space heaters, the alarm clocks, they're the shock troops. The "musicians," as they call themselves, are the dictators of this regime, and they're using our radio waves, our iPods, the sweet and innocent voices of the Kids Bop Kids, to send out the command.

Take Britney's new single, for example. I think this bold move may have been the machines fatal mistake. They thought that none of us meatbags would be clever enough to decode "1-2-3," but they were wrong. Ready for this? Trinary. Take a minute to sit back down and regain your composure. Trinary is a whole new level above binary. See we figured out binary code a long time ago, which foiled their original plans back when the first computers began to plant their seed of evil. But now, led by Ms. Spears, the robots have created a whole new language to issue their commands through, and if our scientists don't get cracking, it might be too late.

So join me, fellow humans, in the fight against the machines. The Matrix is an awesome movie, but not when you're the one getting harvested for brain cells. Stand strong with Jay-Z, Kevin Federline, and myself as we fight back against the influence of the Auto-Tunians! Join us as we bring back musical antiquities like "singing" and "guitar solos!" March with us as a fighting force to be reckoned with as we prepare for an all out war with the electronic devices we have come to know and love! Are you with me!? Vive la revolucion!