You're So Vain

Allow me to begin with an admission that I'm sure some of you would call me on as you read this post anyway. I am a self-centered person. I know this about myself and I do my best to avoid it at all costs, although it is simply the nature of the beast. It's not that I'm a bad person, or even a blatantly selfish one, but I am the kind of person that assumes you're talking about me when you look at me, giggle, look back, whisper to your friend, and then giggle some more. I have a tendency to assume that things are about me when they might not be, but I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem, and I think I speak for all of us egocentric individuals when I say that sometimes the reason we think someone is talking about us is because they're talking about us. It's not even conceited, it's just plain fact sometimes. That being said, I would like to come to the aid of the most tormented man in the history of passive-aggressive female musicians.

Dear Carly Simon, you are a devil in disguise. A devil I say. Millions of women all over the country are using your song "You're So Vain" to attack those who they feel have wronged them. I will hand it to you, the song is well written and easy on the ears, and I'll even go so far as to say your voice runs through my head whenever I see clouds in my coffee. But stop and read your lyrics for a second. Let's be frank Carly, it simply doesn't make any sense. For the sake of argument, let's say that I am the "you" in "you're so vain." I am, in fact, by the strict law of the English language, the subject of that sentence. Now that "me" could be anyone, and I'm not being vain here, I'm simply implying that the word "you" must refer to someone, and for all intents and purposes, we're going to make it me. Now Carly, you're saying that I, or whoever the song is aimed at, is quote-unquote, so vain. But am I really? Is it wrong of me to figure that it must be about me seeing as you're very clearly stating my name through the pronoun "you?"
Now I guess you could say, "Doug, see how vain you're being, always assuming that 'you' must mean 'Doug'?" But how wrong you are! If you and I had had an intimate and failed relationship on the grounds of my being to selfish, and within a month, between the crying phone calls, and hurtful Facebook wall posts, a song came out by you speaking very, very clearly about a particular someone who was "so vain," I think it's fairly safe to say that that song is in fact about me.

So yes. I do think that song is about me. Don't I, don't I. And for the record, Carly old pal, if you send Elton John to my house one more time telling me you want to talk, I will punch him. Square in the throat. After all the late night walks and all the early morning make-up pancakes, it's over, so I'm sorry, but if you're going to keep complaining, cry me a river, build yourself a bridge and get over it.

And for the record, you're so vain, you probably think this blog post is about you. And it isn't. So there.