The List

A while back when this here blog got itself started, it was created as a way to inform the public about the secret government base in "North Dakota." After that it became a place for me to vent my thoughts and feelings on various world-relevant issues, such as whether or not the Japanese were on acid when they invented Mario, or who would win in a fight between Chewbacca and a giant Pterodactyl. It was shortly after this, however that I decided to let the reading audience into the deeper into my psyche and explain how the Little Foot came to be. Now, I would like once more to let my blog open the door... to my heart. This post isn't about a robot takeover, or a government conspiracy. No no. This post, and maybe the ones to come, are personal goals that I have set for myself. These are things that I feel my life can only be complete if I accomplish. These are the missions, if you will, that will provide me the right to die happy. The list is a long one, and I plot new courses for myself everyday, so this might span multiple posts, or even pop up periodically as my life goes on. But the future doesn't matter, only the present, and with that, allow me to introduce you to... The List.

1. Headbutt someone...and mean it.
This particular goal is interesting in that it just recently changed on a me a few days ago. Originally that nice bold/italic line would have read "Get in a fight and win," but just the other day i was sitting in my bed watching some Walker Texas Ranger to put myself to sleep, I realized that the truly vivid part of my fighting dream was where the unnamed antagonist of the brawl sucker punched an ally of mine and I retaliated with a swift and vengeful headbutt. There's something special in the raw power of crouching down, bowing your head, and then launching the full force of your gray matter square into the bad guy's jaw. For those of you who aren't aware, a proper headbutt must never be delivered by swinging the neck forward, but rather by bending you knees so as to put your head under the opponent's face and then spring-boarding the top of your skull into the bottom of his. But the truly important part of this vision i had was not the technique, but the driving force behind the counter-strike. My headbutt has to be filled with righteous fury for the defense of a comrade. That's what life changing, jaw cracking, real life headbutts are made of. Another point of interest in my dream sequence is what I want to be yelling as I deliver the strike. Which leads me to my next point...

2. Have a good reason to yell "Not Today!"
To be perfectly honest with you, I don't know if I heard this line in a movie, if God delivered it to me in an act of divine intervention, or if i just straight made it up, but so help me I want to yell it so badly at just that right moment. If you hadn't figured it out yourself yet, "Not Today!" is to be used when some oppressor, for example the sucker punching villain from the previous article, is attempting to do something that you would tend to disagree with. Violently disagree with. This leads to a desire to express to your opponent that his goals will not be accomplished at the moment in time, or "Not Today!" The point I'm making here is that in order for me to pass on to the next life I need to at some point have a damn good reason to yell this, and then proceed to do so. This can obviously be accompanied by the headbutt, but doesn't necessarily need to be. Come to think of it actually, a lot of my goals could all be fulfilled in one glorious moment, which leads me to my final life goal for today.

3. Start a revolution.
This one sounds like a biggie, I understand that. But what are life goals really if they don't push the limit a little bit? And besides, I don't mean that I have to stage the coup d'etat of an authoritarian regime here, it could be something as simple as mobilizing a small army of grocery shoppers to spontaneously lower the ridiculous price of the T-bone steak at the local Shaws. An important note, however, is that my personal revolution needs to be a real revolution. None of this Industrial revolution bull; building a few factories does not count as a life accomplishment status revolution. Now I know what some of you will say, particularly you John Lennon, that we all want to change the world, we're all doing what we can, and that I ain't gonna make it with anyone anyhow. Well sir, I beg to differ. I believe that, as Thomas Jefferson told me once, "a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical." He spoke these words to me on his deathbed, just before signing the Declaration of Independence. He spoke these words and meant for me to go out there and live out his will in the world. Whether I have his meaning right nor not, I'm certainly going to use it as justification to head over to the nearest Burger King, demand the downfall of the monarchy in favor of a representative government, dump 3 tons of Dunkin Donuts instant coffee into the nearest river, headbutt the nearest oppressor, and then scowl and say with absolute conviction to the terrified acne-ridden teen working behind the counter...

Not Today.