A Cinimatic Masterpiece

All right all right, enough of the nerd stuff. No more Pokemon I promise, I'm starting to even annoy myself. On to bigger and better things, and in this case, something so big and so much better that it frightens me just how awesome this idea is.

Ladies and gentlemen, gentiles and Jews, children of all ages, you are about to be given a special sneak peek at the movie event of the century. More dramatic than Slum Dog Millionaire, hotter than Twilight, more action packed than the last six Vin Diesel flicks combined. A roller coaster ride of love, hatred, laughter, tears and more than a little bit of true cinematic magic. People of the world, prepare to be the first to bear miraculous witness to the next movie classic of our time.

Jesus 2.0

The place: Bethlehem.

The time: Zero B.C.

The scene: Cut to a long horizon shot. The heat blurs our vision and a few trace chords of a string quartet tread lightly across our ears, barely noticeable, but swelling with anticipation. Slowly, a woman with child makes her way over the hill, she is pained, obviously close to the birth of her child. She limps her way over the dunes, the sparse grass whipping at her heels and the wind blowing the sand into her shrouded face. The music pulses as she moves closer to the camera, slowly, laboriously, as if ever fiber of her being is funneling into every step she takes. Suddenly, she stops. The chords hold as she looks up, staring into the sky. Her knees begin to quake and in one miraculous moment...

BLAM! The bearded Son of God roundhouse kicks himself out of his mother's womb, flies to the camera, stares right at the audience and says-

"Bring it on sinners."

I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it. An aviator clad, leather jacket wearing, nun chuck toting Jesus Christ blasting his way through the New Testament with a righteous fury never before seen on screen. Just imagine the possibilities!

Jesus is wandering through the desert, denying himself any food or water for forty days and forty nights. Suddenly, hard rocker Satan appears in a cloud of fire and brimstone.

"If you're so high and mighty, turn this stone into a loaf of bread! I triple-headed-dog dare you!"

Pow! Jesus flies across the desert in one fell swoop, throwing off his robes and cracking his knuckles. The devil whips around just in time to see the Messiah's bo-staff of Holy Might flying through the air right before he gets nailed right between the horns and flies a good hundred feet into a cliff face. Jesus charges up with a quick prayer before Satan even starts to recover, and walks off into the sun set to continue his journey.

This thing is gonna hit the box office like a Mack truck full of communion wafers. What's not to love! Chuck Norris can bring the thunder as the title role, I figure we can get Robert Pattinson to sign on as John the Baptist to pull in some of the teen girl demographic, the Indian guy from Harold and Kumar has a nice fan base so we can throw him in there as Joseph. All the older women eat up anything Merill Streep's in, so there's our Mother of the Lord, and we can throw in Jessica Alba for good measure as the other Mary, the hooker one.

It's an all star cast people! And it'll be nominated for every award there is! Donate to the production now, while it's still in development and you'll receive your free commemorative Jesus 2.0 rosary bead set, regularly $19.95! Get on board this upcoming film giant while there's still time!

Pinco, You Cheap Little...

This is just a quick update on my last post about Mr. Pineco and how the Japanese need to start working harder on new Pokemon.

If you're following along with the narrative of my PokeQuest, after I met that little guy in the woods I went about through the game still mad about his very existence, but eventually my curiosity got the better of me and I decided to go catch one just to see what the little bugger could do. So I hiked my butt back over to the woods (no bike yet, it was a slow walk) and I wandered in the grass for a while. I had to fight a couple hundred useless little worm things, conveniently names Wurmple--lame, until I eventually found another Pineco. Apparently although pine cones are fairly common, their eye-sporting poke-counterparts are not. Nevertheless I wore him down, paralysed his little cone head and caught the thing.

Know what powers Pineco has. Go ahead. Guess. I'll give you a minute.

You think about it a little? I'm willing to bet whatever you thought of isn't this lame. The pine cone Pokemon has this power line up.

1. Seed

2. Sap

Yup. That's it. The pine cone can only use seed and sap, two things that natural pine cones have in abundance. Real creative guys.

Seriously Guys?

Hello world! Sorry for that 4 week hiatus you just had to suffer through without a single word from the man with the baby foot. Life gets pretty busy every now and then, ideas run dry and an odd galactic occurrence happens--I have nothing to talk about. This will happen folks, a brilliant new thought every day is a hard standard to keep up, but that long break was just to much for all of us. So here I am, back again, chock full of deep introspective thoughts about the world around us.

In a week from tomorrow, I will be embarking on an epic journey. Yes my friends, I, Doug Dame, am going to Disney World. To be perfectly honest with you, I'm pumped. I haven't been since 5th grade and I can already feel the magic. But every rose does indeed have its thorn. You see, Disney is not just a leisurely stroll away from here in Fitchburg. Its on the opposite end of the east coast. And so I used my brilliant deductive prowess to arrive at the conclusion that it would be a long ride getting down there. And so I headed out to the local GameStop to pick something up for myself to ease the breadth of this long trek southward.

After only a few hours with my new Pokemon game I was hooked. No matter how old the craze gets, and no matter how obsessed the elementary school crowd may or may not be, the Pokemon franchise makes some quality games. Something about watching cute little animal things beat the living daylights out of each other just pulls on some natural guttural part of every living soul, drawing you into the game. One more battle, you say, just one more, not fully realizing the sweet nirvana contained in this tiny virtual world. The music is damn catchy too. But after a little while longer with the game, I started to think less about the game itself and more about the actual Pokemon. I had started to see the lack of creativity in the new species, but I was putting it all behind me until one fateful moment.

Walking in some tall grass in the woods, I encountered Pineco. Any guess what Pineco is? Yup, its a pine cone. Not even a pine cone with a face, mind you, the thing barely has a pair of eyes peeking out from between the seeds. This isn't like Taurus the bull, at least that was clever, even if the Pokemon was really just a three tailed bronco. This is a pine cone, names Pineco. They didn't even add letters! The took them away! I paid 30 dollars for a simplified pine cone on a pedestal!

Soon it all became abundantly clear. Luvdisk the heart-shaped disk fish, Girafarig, the giraffe with a ball tail, Skitty the kitty, all of these Pokemon were just basic things in the world, give or take a few letters! Know what Seviper is? A snake. How about Slugma? You guessed it! A slug!

I'm aware that when we were kids, Pokemon were still stupid puns made on things in the real world, but I felt like

there was more effort applied back then. I mean maybe Geodude was just a rock man, but at least there was a

real pun there, he wasn't just called Stonewitharms. And so what if Likitung was just a monster with a long tongue, at least it was creative.

Don't get me wrong, I'm loving my game, but I'm just worried that with the way things are going, our children might very well be playing Pokemon Off-White with creatures like Desko and SeeChair. I just don't want to see the happen. Let's fight for the children.