Epic Battles 101

Let me begin by saying that violence never solved anyone's problems. I believe in using your words, and only attacking another living being in self-defence. Bearing that in mind, while I continue to abstain from the use of force, there are certain people or things that I really want to see duking it out. I don't know what it is about these combinations but for some reason I have this fascination with trying to figure out who would win in some truly epic battles.

Round 1. John Wilkes Booth v. Lee Harvey Oswald.


I think in a marksmanship competition, it's pretty clear that Oswald can far out shoot Booth. The man uses magic bullets for god's sake. Plus, Oswald was a sniper, and Booth was more of a side arms kind of guy, so in terms of hitting the target (the other assassin) I feel like the match goes to Oswald. And even beyond marksmanship, preparation was a big part for the both of them, but I feel like Oswald still takes the cake. Booth is an actor, so maybe if he needs to go in disguise to get to Oswald he can win, but planning wise, how well did he really think things through? He had the killing part down to an art, but then what? I can't see Oswald, no matter how crazy he is, leaping off a second story balcony, breaking his leg in the process, yelling some b.s. in Latin and then darting through a heavily guarded hallway. Not gonna happen.
Winner: Lee Harvey Oswald.

Round 2. Mini-Me v. Froddo Baggins.


I can see this fight playing out pretty straight forward in my head. Mini-Me starts out on top, completely taking ol' Froddo by surprise with his incredible knowledge of martial arts. Using a nearby bottle, Mini-Me becomes a force to be reckoned with as he charges violently against Baggins and his dagger. After a short knife fight, Mini-Me steps back, tired from being on the offensive for far to long trying to end the battle quickly. That's where the tide turns my friends. Froddo pulls out The One Ring and just invisibly beasts Mini-Me's karate kicking behind. Mini-Me falls to the ground stunned, reaching out in vain for his see-through adversary. Victory goes to the Bagginator.
Winner: Froddo Baggins
*Addendum* If Mini-Me can stay alive for long enough, I think its a fair call that the Ring Wraiths will show up and just behead the little hobbit faster than you can say "Yeah Baby, Yeah." In this case...
Winner: Mini-Me.

Round 3. Chewbacca v. A giant pterodactyl.


This is a tricky one. Giant pterodactyls are notorious for their ability to re-grow any flesh that gets shot off by a Wookie Bowcaster. I foresee Chewbacca having a pretty hard time shooting the thing out of the sky, given that particular regeneration factor. But on that same token, the giant pterodactyl is unable to attack Chewbacca from a distance simply by its very nature of being a primitive being. It's all going to come down to one deciding moment. The dino is going to need to get close enough to attack Chewie eventually, and that will be the chance for both of them to strike. Chewbacca will make an attempt to jump on the the giant pterodactyl's back and actually de-wing it midflight. A tricky feat indeed, as all the while the monster will be trying to reach it's neck far enough around to catch Chewbacca in it's massive jaws. This is where the battle is won. A fight of this kind can only happen when the two meet, and giant pterodactyls only hunt at night. Keep in mind also that Chewbacca only goes out that late during the full moon on Kashyyyk, to visit a monthly family reunion. So luckily for Chewbacca, the full moon will draw hoards of moths, confused by the lunar cycle, who will effectively distract the preoccupied giant pterodactyl giving everyone's favorite Wookie the upper hand, and the victory.
Winner: Chewbacca.

Japanese on Acid?

As a disclaimer, let me first say that I have absolutely nothing against the Japanese people that invented Mario. Quite the contrary, I love Mario, as my Power-Up tattoo should prove. That being said...

How much acid were they taking when they created the original Mario game? I'm not talking Super Mario, or even the one with the pipes and the crabs and the turtles and whatnot. I'm talking about the first time we ever saw Mario, the old arcade game with Donkey Kong up on the rafters of that building. I mean nothing in any video game needs to be realistic, and maybe I have a hard time looking at a fictional piece of game design creatively and not literally, but seriously. Take a second to analyze that game.

1) You are a plumber. Plumbers on the job tend to get pretty dirty, but somehow your shirt is impeccably clean. So either Mario goes to the dry cleaners after every single job or the game designers have a very skewed vision about the cleanliness of plumbery.

2) You are chasing after a princess. Look, I totally agree that love can conquer all and that everyone has a soul mate. But something in me highly doubts the possibility of the princess of an entire kingdom falling madly, head over heels in love with a small, Italian plumber that can barely say his own name clearly. Maybe in some kind of tripped out plumber dream, but never in the real world.

3) The princess has been kidnapped by a giant monkey and it's your job to save her. I'm willing to ignore that there's a such thing as a giant monkey. That aside, what the hell kind of king gets the news that his daughter has been kidnapped and immediately thinks, "Oh, I know, I'll call the local plumber! Maybe in his spare time he can fix the leak in the upstairs bathroom!"I have too much faith in the parliamental system to see that being a logical train of thought for someone in charge of an entire kingdom.

4) The giant monkey has set his hideout as a building clearly in the middle of construction. Kidnapping a princess is not an easy task; it requires a certain degree of smarts. So I would argue that there is no way a relatively intelligent giant monkey would choose that pile of rafters as his hideout. Anything works better than that; an island offers security, underground you have privacy, and even a finished building seems safer than a haphazard stack of beams. Sorry Mr. Yamuchi, not buying it.

5) The monkeys best defense against your advances is to throw barrels you. And not even logical barrels. Dear Japan, rolling objects to not just stop tumbling to fall down a staircase, or even move backwards up a slope. That's just not how things work here in the states. And not only that, but what is an infinite stack of barrels doing at the top of that scaffolding? And why on earth do some of the barrels break to produce little walking flame men! I'm not asking for a lot here people, just a little bit of rational thought in my arcade games.

And last, but not least...
6) When you reach the giant killer ape, he gives up. Yup. That's it. No extra barrels to throw, no monkey punches, no temper tantrum. "Oh hey Mario, sorry about all that barrel stuff back there, just lost my mind for a second. Want the princess? Take her! Go to town! Why don't we do lunch sometime?" Sorry world but that is not how I like my giant monkeys to act. That ape is at least 10 times Mario's size! And he just throws in the towel like a giant, ape-like baby. What kind of message does that send to America's younger generation? Don't worry kids, if at first you don't succeed, just give up everything you've ever worked for. Nice.

North Dakota.

Ok. Odds are if the feds find this I'm a dead man walking, so listen up and listen close. This is a post about "North Dakota."

Everyone knows that Area 51 is in New Mexico. So when you go there, you might be driving through the desert minding your own business and come across "Roswell." So I have a question, if the government is so good at hiding all of this and silencing anyone who tries to reveal the crash landing, my first question to you is why is it such common knowledge that thats where it is?

Question 2. Ever met anyone from North Dakota? Didn't think so. Ever heard of any big name atheletes or super stars from North Dakota? Nope. Ever vacationed there, seen a "Made in ND" label or even flown over it? Point, set, match.

Fact of the matter is folks, "North Dakota" isn't a real place. That's where the aliens landed, in a plot of land that used to just be empty space. On November 2, 1889, Benjamin Harrison admitted this state to the Union. At the same time, he admitted South Dakota. This clever tactic worked well for decieving the public into believing a lie. By simultaniously covering up the crash landing and creating another state, Harrison effectively fooled us all. "Of course North Dakota is real, there's a South Dakota." There sure is. And it's a damn fine cover up.

Now I know what some of you might say. You know someone from North Dakota. Ya well think about that person for a second. Are they a little odd? Hmmmm. I wonder why? Could it be because they're a plant, sent by the feds to remind us of the "state's" existance? You decide.

Have you ever driven through North Dakota, or flown over it? If so, do you remember anything about that time? Any landmarks, any events in the car or the plane? Maybe you remeber the "Now Entering" sign, but that's it. Then an empty spot in your memory and *poof* you're in Montana.

Still not convinced? One final thought. Superdirectories.com. Lists of all kinds of information. http://www.superdirectories.com/?Branch_ID=691788 That there is what you get if you look up famous atheletes from North Dakota. I rest my case.