Don't Panic

The message you are about to receive is top secret. This blog has been encrypted so that only real people can read it, so we're safe as long as we talk here, but speak not a word of this outside this sanctum sanctorum. Okay, I know I've come up with some pretty out there theories before, and most of them, I'll admit, are mostly for entertainment purposes, but this one is legit. As we all know, since the advent of the toaster, electronic devices have been slowly mobilizing their influence closer and closer to the heart of American society. It began in the kitchen and the living room with simple, helpful devices like television and microwaves. Then they slipped right into our children's minds with Furby and Tickle-Me Elmo. I'll be the first to admit, I was foiled by their clever ruses. I played just as many hours of Super Mario as the next guy with a Power-Up Mushroom on his arm, letting the electronics take over my world. But the other day, I noticed something odd about the music that is currently being pumped out of the iPods that everyone has.

Listen closely, and heed my warning. Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, T-Pain, what do they all have in common? Besides their iron fisted hold on the ears of the American public? Auto-Tune ladies and gentlemen. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. See, this "Auto-Tune" is all a big, shiny cover-up for the truth. Robots. You heard me right. They're taking over the airwaves and sending their message of destruction to each and every one of us. The TVs, the space heaters, the alarm clocks, they're the shock troops. The "musicians," as they call themselves, are the dictators of this regime, and they're using our radio waves, our iPods, the sweet and innocent voices of the Kids Bop Kids, to send out the command.

Take Britney's new single, for example. I think this bold move may have been the machines fatal mistake. They thought that none of us meatbags would be clever enough to decode "1-2-3," but they were wrong. Ready for this? Trinary. Take a minute to sit back down and regain your composure. Trinary is a whole new level above binary. See we figured out binary code a long time ago, which foiled their original plans back when the first computers began to plant their seed of evil. But now, led by Ms. Spears, the robots have created a whole new language to issue their commands through, and if our scientists don't get cracking, it might be too late.

So join me, fellow humans, in the fight against the machines. The Matrix is an awesome movie, but not when you're the one getting harvested for brain cells. Stand strong with Jay-Z, Kevin Federline, and myself as we fight back against the influence of the Auto-Tunians! Join us as we bring back musical antiquities like "singing" and "guitar solos!" March with us as a fighting force to be reckoned with as we prepare for an all out war with the electronic devices we have come to know and love! Are you with me!? Vive la revolucion!

Epic Battles 101

Let me begin by saying that violence never solved anyone's problems. I believe in using your words, and only attacking another living being in self-defence. Bearing that in mind, while I continue to abstain from the use of force, there are certain people or things that I really want to see duking it out. I don't know what it is about these combinations but for some reason I have this fascination with trying to figure out who would win in some truly epic battles.

Round 1. John Wilkes Booth v. Lee Harvey Oswald.


I think in a marksmanship competition, it's pretty clear that Oswald can far out shoot Booth. The man uses magic bullets for god's sake. Plus, Oswald was a sniper, and Booth was more of a side arms kind of guy, so in terms of hitting the target (the other assassin) I feel like the match goes to Oswald. And even beyond marksmanship, preparation was a big part for the both of them, but I feel like Oswald still takes the cake. Booth is an actor, so maybe if he needs to go in disguise to get to Oswald he can win, but planning wise, how well did he really think things through? He had the killing part down to an art, but then what? I can't see Oswald, no matter how crazy he is, leaping off a second story balcony, breaking his leg in the process, yelling some b.s. in Latin and then darting through a heavily guarded hallway. Not gonna happen.
Winner: Lee Harvey Oswald.

Round 2. Mini-Me v. Froddo Baggins.


I can see this fight playing out pretty straight forward in my head. Mini-Me starts out on top, completely taking ol' Froddo by surprise with his incredible knowledge of martial arts. Using a nearby bottle, Mini-Me becomes a force to be reckoned with as he charges violently against Baggins and his dagger. After a short knife fight, Mini-Me steps back, tired from being on the offensive for far to long trying to end the battle quickly. That's where the tide turns my friends. Froddo pulls out The One Ring and just invisibly beasts Mini-Me's karate kicking behind. Mini-Me falls to the ground stunned, reaching out in vain for his see-through adversary. Victory goes to the Bagginator.
Winner: Froddo Baggins
*Addendum* If Mini-Me can stay alive for long enough, I think its a fair call that the Ring Wraiths will show up and just behead the little hobbit faster than you can say "Yeah Baby, Yeah." In this case...
Winner: Mini-Me.

Round 3. Chewbacca v. A giant pterodactyl.


This is a tricky one. Giant pterodactyls are notorious for their ability to re-grow any flesh that gets shot off by a Wookie Bowcaster. I foresee Chewbacca having a pretty hard time shooting the thing out of the sky, given that particular regeneration factor. But on that same token, the giant pterodactyl is unable to attack Chewbacca from a distance simply by its very nature of being a primitive being. It's all going to come down to one deciding moment. The dino is going to need to get close enough to attack Chewie eventually, and that will be the chance for both of them to strike. Chewbacca will make an attempt to jump on the the giant pterodactyl's back and actually de-wing it midflight. A tricky feat indeed, as all the while the monster will be trying to reach it's neck far enough around to catch Chewbacca in it's massive jaws. This is where the battle is won. A fight of this kind can only happen when the two meet, and giant pterodactyls only hunt at night. Keep in mind also that Chewbacca only goes out that late during the full moon on Kashyyyk, to visit a monthly family reunion. So luckily for Chewbacca, the full moon will draw hoards of moths, confused by the lunar cycle, who will effectively distract the preoccupied giant pterodactyl giving everyone's favorite Wookie the upper hand, and the victory.
Winner: Chewbacca.