Just Sit Right Back and Hear a Tale...

First and foremost do yourself a favor right now and hum the tune to the Gilligan's Island theme song. Got it? Okay now go right a head and sing the words to Amazing Grace. Ready to have your mind blown? Now sing the words to Amazing Grace to the tune of Gilligan's island. You have just self-introduced yourself to the world of Gilligan's Island conspiracy.
So now that we know that Amazing Grace is obviously secretly hidden in that classic TV theme, you might be wondering, "You're right Doug, my mind is literally blown out of my skull! But what does it all mean?" Take a minute to think about the lyrics to everyone's favorite hymn. With all that wretch saving and lost getting going on it's almost as if Gilligan's Island might have some underlying religious context going on, and as your official purveyor of secret knowledge, it is my job to reveal to you exactly what that context is.
Let's begin by thinking about the situation described in the Gilligan's Island theme. How lost can one really get after a simple three hour tour? I guess it depends on what you happened to be touring. Let's say you were touring, I don't know, the River Styx. I'm thinking three hours of rough waters would get you pretty lost in the abysmal depths of hell. And that, my friends, is exactly what happened to The Fearless Crew.
You see, Gilligan's Island plays itself as a hysterical romp with a deserted group of zany characters and brilliantly unfortunate situations. This isn't Lost, this is a fun loving, zero brain power required half hour of television. Or is it?
Each and every character on this show is on that island for a reason. Think about it folks. It's a parable. The seven deadly sins, epitomized by a very specific group of ne'r-do-wells, are trapped on this "deserted island" to show the viewing population of America the errors of their ways.

Character Breakdown. Hold on to your pants.

Ginger: A movie star in the 60's, much like today, couldn't get to the top just by talent alone. I think it's safe to assume that Ginger has had her fair share of "casting sessions" with certain key directors, thus ensuring her fame, her entrapment on the island, and her spot on the charts as the Lust incarnate.

Marianne: There are three women on Gilligan's Island. One of them is to old to matter in terms of sex appeal. Between the other two, it's perfectly clear that Ginger takes the place as the island "tigress" and Marianne gets to sit back and watch. But that gets to a woman, and Marianne is at any given moment so filled with Jealousy that she takes her spot representing that deadly sin itself.

The Professor: If you had the ability to make a radio out of a coconut and some twine, wouldn't you have a little bit of narcissism too? This Proud little man might not be smart enough to just fix the damn hole in the boat, but he's certainly positive he can do just about everything else--and everyone around him knows it.

The Millionaire: If this were any more obvious it would probably hurt your brain. What kind of opulent, extravagant old man isn't just a big ol' pot of Greed.

His Wife: This one's a little trickier. One might think about Greed, or maybe Jealousy, but really ponder it for a minute. Her husband's wealth has done everything for her for as long as they've been married. She doesn't do much, because she doesn't need to do much. Mrs. Howell is pure and unadulterated Sloth, and she couldn't be better at it.

Skipper: Okay here's where thing get a little confusing. You might have thought ahead about this and realized, "Wait...The Skipper's the only overweight one, and the only really angry one... he must be one or the other... man Doug I'm lost, enlighten me." I certainly will. The Skipper is, quite simply, both Rage and Gluttony. That's right folks. That's all 7 of the deadly sins. Which leaves one definitive character, crucial to both the plot line of the show, and the hidden meaning.

Gilligan: Who else can I think of in religious context that wears all red, punishes the evil by keeping them trapped in hell, and laughs at the suffering of others? That's right people, Gilligan is the Devil. Every time they thought they'd make it off that island Gilligan would "accidentally" cause some major fluke in the plan, once again literally damning everyone to that island. And if he is the Devil, and they are really in Hell, then i guess it really is "Gilligan's Island," isn't it?




See that little blob over in the corner of your room?

That's your mind.

Reality TV vs. Doug Dame

I openly admit to watching Survivor. Even after the first season, I enjoyed watching human nature at its most basic level, the hardships and difficulties of life in the wilderness, the alliances and backstabbing, and even the occasional confrontation, brought on by the high stress environment and tense atmosphere of constant challenges to stay on the island. I watched every episode of that show, enthralled with the new concept of "reality television."Flash forward 10 years and here I am stuck with nothing on TV but 55 different reality TV shows and maybe the news. And even there, all the news can talk about now is who was just voted off of the most recent dating/makeover/survival show last night. It doesn't matter what day of what season, here in America some poor sap's 15 minutes of fame is ending every hour on the hour, as are the hopes and dreams of all the junkies following along at home who "really though he had it in the bag."

Look at the television right now, I dare you. If there isn't a reality TV show on somewhere

call me, and I will buy you a sundae, I promise. Its like the black plague of television out there.

And the thing is, they never end. Even after Surreal Life was over on VH1, Flavor Flav managed to score another deal based on his relationship with Brigitte Neilson, spawning Strange Love.When, obviously to everyone's surprise, their love life came to a flaming crash, he wound up with Flavor of Love, and then a

sequel to that when that little romance failed. Off of his show came New York, and all of her seasons of soul searching, which then led to a Real Chance at Love. That's 6 seasons of television based on one ridiculously mind numbing concept.

And then the plot lines run up and no one character on any show stands out as the most likely to succeed in that shallow, shallow end of the gene pool, they throw out a Charm School.

Yes, Charm School, where all the annoying wastes of space from every other show get together to try to learn to be respectful, humane versions of their once wild selves. Thing is, in order to score the next deal for another VH1 show, they know they need to be even more of an out of control 7 year old than they usually are.

So on this show about straightening up some wild and crazy girls, they're spitting in each other's faces down to the last episode.

I think I have a solution to it all, not only to end the never ending stream of these shows, but also to give reality TV its one last hurrah. It's called a "An Actual

Shot at Love." Each week, 15 assassins will be tasked with eliminating as many stars of VH1 shows as possible. The assassin with the lowest headcount is kicked off the show. The final showdown features the greatest two assassins, in a house filled with their previous kills, each hunting the hosts of all those so called bit of "entertainment." That's right , Ricky Lake is up for grabs, and only one assassin can win.

Tune in next week, when all the assassins get together with Dr. Phil to work through some of their "daddy issues."

Runt of the Captain Planet Litter

First and foremost allow me to express my feelings toward Captain Planet. In an age of TV shows filled with sex, drugs, and violence, this televised treasure stood above the rest, fighting for a cleaner world, breaking the border between education and entertainment, and filling the hearts and minds of our children with thoughts of a better, cleaner world.

How dare they? Who do they think we are, PETA? Television isn't the place for touchy feely heartfelt messages! Especially in a cartoon! From the beginning of cartoon history, the real classics, the makers of the genre have been greats like Tom and Jerry, Wile E. Coyote, and Bugs Bunny, all of whom relied heavily on violence. Not bloody violence, just good clean potentialy-deadly-in-the-real-world kind of things. In walks Captain Planet trying to fight crime with the power of a good clean fight? Come on. Even Bugs wasn't against dropping an anvil on someone's head for the greater good, but no, not Cpt. Planet, he's above that.

Moving on to my real point here, I would just like to say how bad I feel for Ma-Ti, the little Indian kid with the heart ring. It's not that talking to animals and feeling other people's emotions isn't a great super power, really it is. But when you're in a team of teens who can do things like launch literal streams of fire out of their hands or create attacks on the level of a natural disaster, I imagine it sucks really bad when the best thing you can do is communicate with a monkey.

If i had to place a bet on the first Planeteer to go postal and just flip out on the rest of them, I'd put any money on him. He's the youngest one, kind of a loner, never in on the jokes, and again his best friend throws his own poop. On the other hand I guess he's probably the best one to freak out too, seeing as the other Planeteers could blast him with gale force winds, bury him under a mile of water, cage him in stone, and light his chimp on fire while he watches.

I know it seems awful to say, but I just wish the kid had gotten something else too, like a compensation for the lame ring. "Wheeler, here's a ring that shoots blazing columns of rightiously environmental fire. Ma-ti, this lets you talk to that monkey over there, so here's a gameboy too. Just a little something so you won't be too bored while the other four are doing real superhero stuff."